Has it really been five months?
I have had that phone call before.
"Allyson, there is something wrong with your dad. They don't know if it is a heart attack or what but they are taking him to the hospital. Your mom wants you to meet her there."
The first time was on Mother's Day, 2000. We got in the car and drove to Dallas.
The second time, we were already in Dallas. Steve and my dad had just been at a Stars game. We had only been asleep for a short time when my mom came in and said my dad was having a heart attack and she was taking him to the hospital.
This time Steve and I made the 40 minute drive in silence. Almost. I kept thinking it would be just like the other times. It would be scary, but he would get better. We would be at the hospital a few days and then bring him home. Then, after driving for about 30 minutes, a thought came to me. What if this time.....what if this time? I turned to Steve and said,
"What if my dad dies?"
I didn't know I was speaking of an event that had already occurred.
Sometimes I wonder if I am still in denial. I still have his e-mail address in my address book. I still have his cell phone number in my phone. 5, send. That's all I have to push and my phone will dial his phone. I tried it the other day. I got a message saying his "The person you are trying to reach is not taking calls at this time." I didn't even get to hear his voice mail message.
I have thought, "I should probably delete those". But that just seems......wrong. I will never use them again, but......
Sometimes I think, "It has been a long time since I have talked to dad, I should call him". Then I remember.......
A couple weeks ago, I was driving and I saw a blue truck that looked just like his. These are the thoughts that went through my mind in about 1/2 a second:
"is that Dad's truck?"
"no, it can't be, he's at work this time of day"
"i should call him and see if that was him"
"what is wrong with me?"
I am so thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am so thankful that I know that my father's spirit is alive today. I am thankful that I know that I will see him again someday. I am thankful that I know that my family is Eternal. We will be with him again someday.
It just seems like someday is a long time away.
3 comments:
Ally- I can't even read it, sorry. This weekend has been pretty tough for me. I miss him so much.
Oh Allyson, it's been 3 years since my dad died and I still do that, I think about him all the time and Mothers Day and Fathers day are so hard. Hang in there. I too am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ...where would we be without it? Love you.
I am sorry Allyson. I am crying just reading this. Miguel died in December, and I still cannot delete his cell phone. It seems wrong to me too. It makes me sad just seeing the numbers, but I cannot delete them. Sometimes I think, "I haven't talked to him in a while, I guess I will just see him when I get to Dallas." Then I realize that is no going to happen. I can't delete Uncle Earls cell either. I can only imagine, if it hurts me this much when it is my nephew, how much worse it is to be your dad. I am kind of worried about my dad right now. He is not doing that great. Nothing wrong so much as just not feeling that great. Marshall comes home in Nov. He said that he had a feeling that he might not be here when Marsh came back, so it is scary. Love ya, Kim
Post a Comment